Girl, Maladroit yet Entrancing

Whenever it comes to matters of the heart, I know for a fact that I suck. I don't know when I'm being given a signal or when I'm being too forward. This can make for some potentially mortifying moments. Please thank God (or whom ever it is you worship) that you are not me. What an awkward girl I am!! I don't know what to do around straight boys. I don't know the first thing about attracting straight boys. For this I have to blame the gays. You all have given me false confidence. I'm serious. I cannot function properly with anyone who exist outside the realms of musical theatre or who does not like a little extra sparkle. This is quite detrimental to my on going search for "someone to love me." (that was for you, dani)

I think I am attractive enough physically to be appealing and I know that I'm a pretty good person. I'm smart, funny and dare i say charming.
So here lies my conundrum: How does a girl who has some really good things going for her manage to remain single and perpetually dateless??


Shit if I know. This has been the story of my life since I was in the sixth grade. True story: I haven't had a boyfriend since the sixth grade. Now, I do realize that I have had numerous encounters with the opposite sex. Hooking up never really leads to anything. Which brings me to this boy. I really like him which means that I can't hook up with him because that would ruin everything. He is the relationship boy. He's really sweet and smart and damn good looking. Pardon me while I gush. MMM the perfect package. I think I'm potentially on the right track with him for now, at least. Things are going really slowly so I have time to think about what I'm doing and more time to get to know him. I try not to be awkward around him but if you know me then you also know that this is impossible. It's all part of my natural charm and the mystery that surrounds me. Haha, right. I just need to not end up in friend zone with him because that would kill me. I just don't know. I made the first move by giving him my number. The ball is now in his possession, so he has to make the next play. Until then I can have fun attempting to play the field and meeting other boys. I like my awkward and I think they might too.

...and the music played on.

Becoming the Center

I don't know where to begin. I am so full of emotion right now. I go from calm and not not caring to my world crashing and burning all within 30 seconds. I put up a front. You all should know this by now. I'm not one for sharing emotions. The problem with me always having this facade is that I am now often overlooked by others. When go to people asking for advice, practically begging for it, my problems all of a sudden don't matter. All of a sudden the problem that did belong to me has been turned into your problem. You have now become the center here and my feelings and emotions and every fucking thing else is getting overlooked. The bigger picture here is being ignored by mostly everyone. I'm not saying that this is definitely happening but that's how I am feeling. If you want to know how my life going here it is: it sucks, I am so emotionally drained by by shit that has been happening and I'm so beyond tired of people saying sorry to me. Don't say sorry, do something about it. I've tried and I've exhausted all of my resources. I no longer know what to do. I thought I had it figured out, but I was wrong. So much for you caring.

...and the music played on.

Cherry Bomb

So I have made a huge mistake. I know that. I also know that the only thing that can be done about it is me just moving on.
I don't really know how it happened. One minute I was outside at a table and the next I was on the bathroom floor.
A few blogs back I talked about how this was bound to happen but you all have to understand that on that night this was not my intention.
I went into the bathroom (i really don't understand how I got there) and everything we did led to something else until finally, I remember him asking "are you ready?" Is anyone ever really ready? How do you know if you are or not? Ready or not, it definitely happened The truth is that I could have stopped. It could have ended before it even started. I just didn't want to. That was me ignoring my conscience and the banging on the bathroom door.
I'm over it happening, but I keep finding out more and more things that make me feel awful that it did. I cannot believe the things that have happened since midnight Tuesday. Laughter is one of my biggest fronts. I have to laugh at myself to keep from crying. I cried the morning after, at Bryce's new years eve party, and today after finding out some of the worst information ever. I'm running out of jokes I'm getting weak. I can't fix anything, I can only move on. It just sucks that the minute i got over it, I was thrown right back into misery.

...and the music played on.