Puff of Smoke

Why hello there, blogging world!! The past few weeks of my life have gone by quite quickly. It's almost as if I blinked and BOOM the semester was over. I have been think a lot over this period and I'm starting to worry very much about my future and happiness and such. I believe it was Jody's last blog post which made me start thinking that maybe what I'm doing is not for me. In fact, I'm pretty convinced that this major is not for me. At least once a week I think about what my life would have been like if i had gone through with auditions and if I had applied to my dream schools. I know mentally I would be happier. But then I think about all the people that I'm close to and I can't even imagine leaving. The people here are like my family. We love each other and we will go out of our way to help everyone do better or just be there for them. I couldn't possibly leave that behind.



But, what about my sanity? Having people here who care about me and me caring about other people is the only thing keeping me here. But i have to do something for myself at some point. I need to do something that is worth-while for me. This is where things get tricky. Loyola's theatre program is ok and at best mediocre. There is no musical theatre. I want musical theatre. I would have to leave here and go somewhere else just to have the major that I want and not be happy there because the people I care about are here. This is why i took up smoking. A lame excuse, I know, but with all of this going on in my head it was either blow my brains out or try to find away to stay calm. I chose the latter and, sadly, I'm not exaggerating at all.



When I read Jody's post, I started crying and cried for about an hour and a half until I wandered out into smoker's alley and lit one up. My mind was flooded with thoughts of what could have happened and how less stressful my freshman year would have been in college. I was angry with myself for essentially giving up the one thing that kept me sane and just settling for the safe way out. This realization was just far too heavy for me to handle. So, like everything else in my life, I stored it far back within the vaults of my mind. It's something that will be hard for me to handle, and I'm sure it will come back later on in life to haunt me. I don't like thinking that I gave up my dreams. For right now they are only on hold.



PS: I haven't smoked in about 3 days.

...and the music played on.