"I want to be that girl. The one with many friends, the girl who is both beautiful and down to earth. She is liked by everyone and is still very humble and sweet. Her sense of humor lights up an entire room and everyone naturally gravitates towards her."
I silently thought this to myself not more than a week ago. This feeling has lasted more than a week, of course. This is part of my overall problem. Only a fraction though. I'm taking this one step at time.
I just started to figure out what my problem was. Linda even noticed that I lost "that sparkle" in my eyes, and when she said that to me I had an epiphany. I am "that girl." Somewhere down the line i forgot that and went into a shell and lost that part of me. For the longest time I thought that things didn't happen for me because I wasn't good enough. I'm starting to see now that my life is good and I have had more good things happen to me than bad. Those things that I wanted so badly weren't good enough for me. Somehow destiny knows where I need to be and how I have to get there. I trust that.
Wow what a thought. That something isn't good enough for me and not the other way around. I think it is funny how some people never think they are deserving of anything good when really and truly we all deserve the best that life has to offer us.
I want my sparkle back. I want to love who I am again and inspire others to love themselves. Don't call it conceit when I shower myself with some much needed praise. Hell, I'll even share the love. That's how it should be. We should be each others support systems. I am pledging that I will no longer think of myself as anything less than what I am. No more self hate and put downs. I have been my worse enemy for the past few years and I am really glad that my heroine is making a comeback. It's going to be great to have that girl back.
Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius; and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring- Marilyn Monroe
...and the music played on.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wooden Panels
I'm currently at work in the residential life office and I hate it. I never have anything to do really beside deliver mail and file and pull folders.
So I'm now thinking that I don't want to ever be confined to an office. I'm a business major. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM...
Don't get me wrong, I actually do have a pretty fun major: Music Business. The problem that I have is with the business part of my major. This is also a very hard major. If I stick with music business, I can expect to be broke for the first ten years of my career; because of this, I am law school bound. Yumm Corporate Law. So I should give up the business portion and stick with music, right? WRONG.
In fact, very wrong. This is where I start on my rant about the "real world." Stop reading please, if you have yet to face this sad reality.
If I followed my dream to become an actress, I would probably wind up somewhere in LA or NYC waiting tables at night while during the day going to auditions for independent/student films and "B-list" commercials. I'd live in tiny a matchbox that if you added some paint, could possibly pass for an apartment. I'd barely make enough to pay rent and I'd live off of the food that I'd take home from my employer-the restaurant. Glamorous. Poverty scares me.
My point: I want to do something that I am passionate about and be the best one at it. Shoot for the stars, kiddo.
Being a business major gives me security. I'll have a career when I graduate, not a string of jobs. This is very important. Money is very important. I love when people say that money is not everything, because it is very obvious that it is. Why do you think the country has hit the panic button? Money is for spending. We live in a culture where bigger is better and the more you spend the more we fuel this silly competition. (Wow, i really am a business student.) Money makes the world go around the world go around...(whose passions lie in the theatre).
Back to the original track...
Being in this office drains me. I do nothing when I'm here but I am exhausted when I leave. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. Stuck behind a desk. I really want to be on a stage, a set, in a recording booth...these are not practical. Practical would be to continue with my major, work really hard in school, go to law school and become an awesome corporate lawyer. Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe I will get a big break. Maybe it's just this office's decor.
...and the music played on.
So I'm now thinking that I don't want to ever be confined to an office. I'm a business major. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM...
Don't get me wrong, I actually do have a pretty fun major: Music Business. The problem that I have is with the business part of my major. This is also a very hard major. If I stick with music business, I can expect to be broke for the first ten years of my career; because of this, I am law school bound. Yumm Corporate Law. So I should give up the business portion and stick with music, right? WRONG.
In fact, very wrong. This is where I start on my rant about the "real world." Stop reading please, if you have yet to face this sad reality.
If I followed my dream to become an actress, I would probably wind up somewhere in LA or NYC waiting tables at night while during the day going to auditions for independent/student films and "B-list" commercials. I'd live in tiny a matchbox that if you added some paint, could possibly pass for an apartment. I'd barely make enough to pay rent and I'd live off of the food that I'd take home from my employer-the restaurant. Glamorous. Poverty scares me.
My point: I want to do something that I am passionate about and be the best one at it. Shoot for the stars, kiddo.
Being a business major gives me security. I'll have a career when I graduate, not a string of jobs. This is very important. Money is very important. I love when people say that money is not everything, because it is very obvious that it is. Why do you think the country has hit the panic button? Money is for spending. We live in a culture where bigger is better and the more you spend the more we fuel this silly competition. (Wow, i really am a business student.) Money makes the world go around the world go around...(whose passions lie in the theatre).
Back to the original track...
Being in this office drains me. I do nothing when I'm here but I am exhausted when I leave. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. Stuck behind a desk. I really want to be on a stage, a set, in a recording booth...these are not practical. Practical would be to continue with my major, work really hard in school, go to law school and become an awesome corporate lawyer. Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe I will get a big break. Maybe it's just this office's decor.
...and the music played on.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Seasons for the Wise Ones
Just now was probably the best moment of my life. I was going through some things in my room and happened to stumble across three diaries that I had from middle school. As I read through all three, my mind was flooded by those very distant memories. I called the girl that had been my best friend all through out grammar school and told her of my discovery. We laughed and talked for about thirty minutes all about the people that knew back then. It was very "where are they now." It's so funny, especially in grammar school, to expect that you will always have the same friends and always be the same person. I have changed so much from that time and I haven't seen most of those people in five years. And then there was this boy. HE WAS IN ALL THREE OF MY DIARIES!! Apparently, I liked him a whole lot. I have never seen so many hearts around one guy's name in life. This theme seems constant: when i fall, i fall hard. This is very apparent.
I've learned something very important today: Things, people, and circumstances change. I know that's pretty obvious, but until today it never really clicked in my mind how important this lesson is. For example, I have never given any thought to the boy who I wanted so desperately to notice me in grammar school. The scandals and rumors have been forgotten. People have moved on. I have moved on.
So here's where we apply a twelve year-old's life to now. Moving on is difficult, but it is something that I need to do. I need to realize in the great scheme of things that he is very insignificant to the entire universe. He should not stop my world from turning or my sun from rising. Whatever will come from this situation will come but in time. In five years, I may not give him a second thought. What's important to me now will definitely change. Not knowing what the future holds is a little scary, but I'm prepared to roll with the punches and to keep on living.
This little nugget of wisdom is also teaching me to live in the now. Don't worry about things that have already happened. There is no way to change the past. Regret is just extra baggage. Guess what, the plane is very full, so throw that shit off! And don't worry about people and relationships changing. Change is inevitable and the one thing that you can depend on.
...and the music played on.
I've learned something very important today: Things, people, and circumstances change. I know that's pretty obvious, but until today it never really clicked in my mind how important this lesson is. For example, I have never given any thought to the boy who I wanted so desperately to notice me in grammar school. The scandals and rumors have been forgotten. People have moved on. I have moved on.
So here's where we apply a twelve year-old's life to now. Moving on is difficult, but it is something that I need to do. I need to realize in the great scheme of things that he is very insignificant to the entire universe. He should not stop my world from turning or my sun from rising. Whatever will come from this situation will come but in time. In five years, I may not give him a second thought. What's important to me now will definitely change. Not knowing what the future holds is a little scary, but I'm prepared to roll with the punches and to keep on living.
This little nugget of wisdom is also teaching me to live in the now. Don't worry about things that have already happened. There is no way to change the past. Regret is just extra baggage. Guess what, the plane is very full, so throw that shit off! And don't worry about people and relationships changing. Change is inevitable and the one thing that you can depend on.
...and the music played on.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The Breakdown
I can't sleep. I cried for about 30 minutes before deciding to blog.
I don't really know what it is about you.
I think about you all the time.
I give you up and then I fall harder.
Please explain to me how this could happen.
Why do I fucking produce tears over you?
You're really not that great actually.
You're mostly a jerk and you can be a genuine asshole.
I know these things.
I believe these things.
What the fuck is wrong with me??
I really love how you make me turn on myself.
I really fucking love how you make me hate myself.
It hurts.
I'm hurting.
You make me hurt.
I've never felt more lonely than I do right now.
This needs to stop.
I've pin-pointed more flaws in me than positives.
I still can't hate you.
I just can't.
...and the music played on.
I don't really know what it is about you.
I think about you all the time.
I give you up and then I fall harder.
Please explain to me how this could happen.
Why do I fucking produce tears over you?
You're really not that great actually.
You're mostly a jerk and you can be a genuine asshole.
I know these things.
I believe these things.
What the fuck is wrong with me??
I really love how you make me turn on myself.
I really fucking love how you make me hate myself.
It hurts.
I'm hurting.
You make me hurt.
I've never felt more lonely than I do right now.
This needs to stop.
I've pin-pointed more flaws in me than positives.
I still can't hate you.
I just can't.
...and the music played on.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
That Girl is Bold
Typical Casi. I knew this would happen. I would start a blog and then neglect it. The good news out of this is that a lot has happened over my lack of entries.
I joined a sorority. I'm now a part of a lifetime sisterhood. I actually think that this move was so me. I understand that Greek life is not for everyone. I also understand that when people think of Greek life they get visions in their heads of boys doing keg-stands and girls being wildly promiscuous with guys that they have just met no more than 5 minutes ago. While this is sometimes true, I have come to learn that these women and men have to work twice as hard than the non-Greeks in order to earn respect. I have also learned that many people on my campus loathe the Greek system. In fact, they mostly think that the men and women who are involved with the Greek system are dumb jocks and bimbos. This is so far from the truth that I could scream. Do people not realize that we have to maintain a certain GPA to even be considered to go through rush and to remain an active member?? It upsets me that when I wear my letters I'm being judged by over half of Loyola's campus. I know that I made the best choice for me. I was very comfortable in my all girls high school and I need that back. I found it in Greek life. We work really hard and party even harder.
That being said, I have never been out so many times in one week and on school nights for that matter. I always make sure that my homework is done before I go out. I'm still a "good girl" at heart. I mean my morals may be a bit questionable, but that's nothing new. I have never taken any type of pledge to "save" myself until marriage. I'm wondering right now if I should continue typing or just leave it at that. It hasn't happened yet...but I think it will happen soon. Jeez that's personal. Well it has been said. I'm not going to hit the backspace key. There is no backspacing in life. The decisions that i make are mine and mine alone. No regrets. MMM I love it!! I trust myself and I know what's good and bad for me. I know that i will be judged but i am prepared for that. I cannot predict what the outcome of my actions will be yet and neither does anyone else.
I'm not planning this out or anything. This, I guess, is more so that no one else is surprised with my actions. So I think that I'm preparing you all. Get ready for it.
...and the music played on.
I joined a sorority. I'm now a part of a lifetime sisterhood. I actually think that this move was so me. I understand that Greek life is not for everyone. I also understand that when people think of Greek life they get visions in their heads of boys doing keg-stands and girls being wildly promiscuous with guys that they have just met no more than 5 minutes ago. While this is sometimes true, I have come to learn that these women and men have to work twice as hard than the non-Greeks in order to earn respect. I have also learned that many people on my campus loathe the Greek system. In fact, they mostly think that the men and women who are involved with the Greek system are dumb jocks and bimbos. This is so far from the truth that I could scream. Do people not realize that we have to maintain a certain GPA to even be considered to go through rush and to remain an active member?? It upsets me that when I wear my letters I'm being judged by over half of Loyola's campus. I know that I made the best choice for me. I was very comfortable in my all girls high school and I need that back. I found it in Greek life. We work really hard and party even harder.
That being said, I have never been out so many times in one week and on school nights for that matter. I always make sure that my homework is done before I go out. I'm still a "good girl" at heart. I mean my morals may be a bit questionable, but that's nothing new. I have never taken any type of pledge to "save" myself until marriage. I'm wondering right now if I should continue typing or just leave it at that. It hasn't happened yet...but I think it will happen soon. Jeez that's personal. Well it has been said. I'm not going to hit the backspace key. There is no backspacing in life. The decisions that i make are mine and mine alone. No regrets. MMM I love it!! I trust myself and I know what's good and bad for me. I know that i will be judged but i am prepared for that. I cannot predict what the outcome of my actions will be yet and neither does anyone else.
I'm not planning this out or anything. This, I guess, is more so that no one else is surprised with my actions. So I think that I'm preparing you all. Get ready for it.
...and the music played on.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Beating Heart
I FIGURED IT OUT!!!
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, I have a weakness for musicians, I tend to have awkward idiosyncrasies, and I'm a PEOPLE PLEASER!!!!
Being a people pleaser isn't a bad thing, but it has crippled me from being able to actually let myself live. I like being every one's "go to girl" and i need to be every one's friend. Has anyone else every noticed this about me.
I think that I'm so afraid of getting hurt and having my heart bruised, that I put other people's feelings before my own. I've seen how badly people can hurt others and i don't ever want to experience that, so I strive to keep everyone happy and stay on their good side.
Wow, this is great. I'm at the heart of the problem.
I've always been the type of person that goes with the flow of things. The flow has never been anything that I have started on my own. Someone else always starts it. I need to start it for once. I need to not only feel indifferent about things. I need to stop lying to myself and others by saying that everything things is ok, when clearly it is not.
I won't be rude to you, but I will start saying no. Don't take this personal I just need to stop existing and start LIVING. It's my right. MINE.
Good call Casi, good call!
...and the music played on.
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, I have a weakness for musicians, I tend to have awkward idiosyncrasies, and I'm a PEOPLE PLEASER!!!!
Being a people pleaser isn't a bad thing, but it has crippled me from being able to actually let myself live. I like being every one's "go to girl" and i need to be every one's friend. Has anyone else every noticed this about me.
I think that I'm so afraid of getting hurt and having my heart bruised, that I put other people's feelings before my own. I've seen how badly people can hurt others and i don't ever want to experience that, so I strive to keep everyone happy and stay on their good side.
Wow, this is great. I'm at the heart of the problem.
I've always been the type of person that goes with the flow of things. The flow has never been anything that I have started on my own. Someone else always starts it. I need to start it for once. I need to not only feel indifferent about things. I need to stop lying to myself and others by saying that everything things is ok, when clearly it is not.
I won't be rude to you, but I will start saying no. Don't take this personal I just need to stop existing and start LIVING. It's my right. MINE.
Good call Casi, good call!
...and the music played on.
Filler Post
So, it has been a week since my last post and lots has happened since then.
I have been doing some soul searching which is perfect when you feel a bit lost. I don't think that I'm actually losing myself, I don't think that I have ever truly known myself...
That sounds silly. I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, and I have a weakness for musicians. There has to be more than that. What is it that makes me tick? Once again this is silly...
But really?? What is it with me?
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, i have a weakness for musicians, and i tend to have awkward and quirky idiosyncrasies.
This is very true. I'm not "cool" but i do have a good amount of confidence stored up in me. I'm a performer for crying out loud. I just lack some of the social graces that are necessary to not freak people out.
I don't what it is exactly with me. I shall figure it out one day ( soon i hope). I just find it very weird that I have had this personality for 18 years and i still can't figure it out. Nothing has really changed or challenged me in 18 years. It's almost like I haven't been living, but merely existing.
...and the music played on
I have been doing some soul searching which is perfect when you feel a bit lost. I don't think that I'm actually losing myself, I don't think that I have ever truly known myself...
That sounds silly. I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, and I have a weakness for musicians. There has to be more than that. What is it that makes me tick? Once again this is silly...
But really?? What is it with me?
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, i have a weakness for musicians, and i tend to have awkward and quirky idiosyncrasies.
This is very true. I'm not "cool" but i do have a good amount of confidence stored up in me. I'm a performer for crying out loud. I just lack some of the social graces that are necessary to not freak people out.
I don't what it is exactly with me. I shall figure it out one day ( soon i hope). I just find it very weird that I have had this personality for 18 years and i still can't figure it out. Nothing has really changed or challenged me in 18 years. It's almost like I haven't been living, but merely existing.
...and the music played on
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Oh Conformity
I have given in and deiced to start blogging. Please, please hold your applause until the end. K thanks.
There are some reasons for this risky move that I have just made.
One: I'm tired of being "bottled up." I've gotten to point where I'm am like a carbonated drink that has had two Mentos dropped in it, capped and then shaken. I'm going to explode soon if I don't get this crap out!!
Two: I like to read other's people's blogs and to have a blog of my very own is an easier way to get to every one's pages. Yes, I am that lazy...
So, i guess this is the part where I spill my guts. Hmm...
I have recently begun to realize that I put up a front around most people. I'm actually more vulnerable than I let on. I don't know why this wall exist. I don't know why when people ask, "how's life?" I don't answer straightly. I don't let people in. I really don't know why. I guess this is the real reason why this blog now exist. Maybe if I get these words down, my thoughts down, I will understand why I am the way I am in terms of relationships with other people. And maybe you"ll understand too.
...it gets heavy.
I don't have a hard life. I was generally a happy child. I had everything that needed and anything else that I could possibly want. I live with my grandparents-it's been that way since forever. My mother and my step dad both live in Metairie. I don't live with my mother because she simply could not take care of us. She calls every day and is very much a part of my life. I never knew my father. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I would ever want to know him I turned out just fine without him. Despite my nontraditional family situation, I don't think that I ever missed out on anything that "normal" kids got to experience. In ways i know that I'm more fortunate than most. I'm positive that for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter my sisters and I get way more gifts than the average kid. We are a bit spoiled, but never bratty(well, just Nikki). We all went to dancing school for about 7 years, we take the cliche family pilgrimage to the happiest place on earth every time we have a bit of free time. I was actually a very happy kid. This is just some back ground to answer the questions that I know that people have wanted to ask me for a long time but thought it rude to ask.
...the wall begins to crack.
Now, I know that I come across as a person who is happy all the time. In fact, I think that the only thing that I have complained about with sheer hatred has been my job. (Emancipation is coming soon.) But other things do go on inside of me. I have had very brief depression issues. I really don't get why when I'm alone I cry. I have body issues. I have moments when I absolutely hate myself. I don't know why. Why should I be upset with myself? I have friends, awesome friends who I see almost all the time. Then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I cry when no one is looking? Why can't I share this face to face with people who love me? I just don't get it. Maybe some day I will understand myself. It just saddens me that I don't know who I am inside (cue Mulan). Today is obviously not the day for answers. I have given myself and you lots to ponder. College is all about discovery, so somewhere between now and the day I leave this place I should have figured myself out. Today is not that day.
...and the music played on.
There are some reasons for this risky move that I have just made.
One: I'm tired of being "bottled up." I've gotten to point where I'm am like a carbonated drink that has had two Mentos dropped in it, capped and then shaken. I'm going to explode soon if I don't get this crap out!!
Two: I like to read other's people's blogs and to have a blog of my very own is an easier way to get to every one's pages. Yes, I am that lazy...
So, i guess this is the part where I spill my guts. Hmm...
I have recently begun to realize that I put up a front around most people. I'm actually more vulnerable than I let on. I don't know why this wall exist. I don't know why when people ask, "how's life?" I don't answer straightly. I don't let people in. I really don't know why. I guess this is the real reason why this blog now exist. Maybe if I get these words down, my thoughts down, I will understand why I am the way I am in terms of relationships with other people. And maybe you"ll understand too.
...it gets heavy.
I don't have a hard life. I was generally a happy child. I had everything that needed and anything else that I could possibly want. I live with my grandparents-it's been that way since forever. My mother and my step dad both live in Metairie. I don't live with my mother because she simply could not take care of us. She calls every day and is very much a part of my life. I never knew my father. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I would ever want to know him I turned out just fine without him. Despite my nontraditional family situation, I don't think that I ever missed out on anything that "normal" kids got to experience. In ways i know that I'm more fortunate than most. I'm positive that for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter my sisters and I get way more gifts than the average kid. We are a bit spoiled, but never bratty(well, just Nikki). We all went to dancing school for about 7 years, we take the cliche family pilgrimage to the happiest place on earth every time we have a bit of free time. I was actually a very happy kid. This is just some back ground to answer the questions that I know that people have wanted to ask me for a long time but thought it rude to ask.
...the wall begins to crack.
Now, I know that I come across as a person who is happy all the time. In fact, I think that the only thing that I have complained about with sheer hatred has been my job. (Emancipation is coming soon.) But other things do go on inside of me. I have had very brief depression issues. I really don't get why when I'm alone I cry. I have body issues. I have moments when I absolutely hate myself. I don't know why. Why should I be upset with myself? I have friends, awesome friends who I see almost all the time. Then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I cry when no one is looking? Why can't I share this face to face with people who love me? I just don't get it. Maybe some day I will understand myself. It just saddens me that I don't know who I am inside (cue Mulan). Today is obviously not the day for answers. I have given myself and you lots to ponder. College is all about discovery, so somewhere between now and the day I leave this place I should have figured myself out. Today is not that day.
...and the music played on.
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