Seasons for the Wise Ones

Just now was probably the best moment of my life. I was going through some things in my room and happened to stumble across three diaries that I had from middle school. As I read through all three, my mind was flooded by those very distant memories. I called the girl that had been my best friend all through out grammar school and told her of my discovery. We laughed and talked for about thirty minutes all about the people that knew back then. It was very "where are they now." It's so funny, especially in grammar school, to expect that you will always have the same friends and always be the same person. I have changed so much from that time and I haven't seen most of those people in five years. And then there was this boy. HE WAS IN ALL THREE OF MY DIARIES!! Apparently, I liked him a whole lot. I have never seen so many hearts around one guy's name in life. This theme seems constant: when i fall, i fall hard. This is very apparent.
I've learned something very important today: Things, people, and circumstances change. I know that's pretty obvious, but until today it never really clicked in my mind how important this lesson is. For example, I have never given any thought to the boy who I wanted so desperately to notice me in grammar school. The scandals and rumors have been forgotten. People have moved on. I have moved on.
So here's where we apply a twelve year-old's life to now. Moving on is difficult, but it is something that I need to do. I need to realize in the great scheme of things that he is very insignificant to the entire universe. He should not stop my world from turning or my sun from rising. Whatever will come from this situation will come but in time. In five years, I may not give him a second thought. What's important to me now will definitely change. Not knowing what the future holds is a little scary, but I'm prepared to roll with the punches and to keep on living.
This little nugget of wisdom is also teaching me to live in the now. Don't worry about things that have already happened. There is no way to change the past. Regret is just extra baggage. Guess what, the plane is very full, so throw that shit off! And don't worry about people and relationships changing. Change is inevitable and the one thing that you can depend on.
...and the music played on.

The Breakdown

I can't sleep. I cried for about 30 minutes before deciding to blog.
I don't really know what it is about you.
I think about you all the time.
I give you up and then I fall harder.
Please explain to me how this could happen.
Why do I fucking produce tears over you?
You're really not that great actually.
You're mostly a jerk and you can be a genuine asshole.
I know these things.
I believe these things.
What the fuck is wrong with me??
I really love how you make me turn on myself.
I really fucking love how you make me hate myself.
It hurts.
I'm hurting.
You make me hurt.
I've never felt more lonely than I do right now.
This needs to stop.
I've pin-pointed more flaws in me than positives.
I still can't hate you.
I just can't.

...and the music played on.

That Girl is Bold

Typical Casi. I knew this would happen. I would start a blog and then neglect it. The good news out of this is that a lot has happened over my lack of entries.

I joined a sorority. I'm now a part of a lifetime sisterhood. I actually think that this move was so me. I understand that Greek life is not for everyone. I also understand that when people think of Greek life they get visions in their heads of boys doing keg-stands and girls being wildly promiscuous with guys that they have just met no more than 5 minutes ago. While this is sometimes true, I have come to learn that these women and men have to work twice as hard than the non-Greeks in order to earn respect. I have also learned that many people on my campus loathe the Greek system. In fact, they mostly think that the men and women who are involved with the Greek system are dumb jocks and bimbos. This is so far from the truth that I could scream. Do people not realize that we have to maintain a certain GPA to even be considered to go through rush and to remain an active member?? It upsets me that when I wear my letters I'm being judged by over half of Loyola's campus. I know that I made the best choice for me. I was very comfortable in my all girls high school and I need that back. I found it in Greek life. We work really hard and party even harder.

That being said, I have never been out so many times in one week and on school nights for that matter. I always make sure that my homework is done before I go out. I'm still a "good girl" at heart. I mean my morals may be a bit questionable, but that's nothing new. I have never taken any type of pledge to "save" myself until marriage. I'm wondering right now if I should continue typing or just leave it at that. It hasn't happened yet...but I think it will happen soon. Jeez that's personal. Well it has been said. I'm not going to hit the backspace key. There is no backspacing in life. The decisions that i make are mine and mine alone. No regrets. MMM I love it!! I trust myself and I know what's good and bad for me. I know that i will be judged but i am prepared for that. I cannot predict what the outcome of my actions will be yet and neither does anyone else.
I'm not planning this out or anything. This, I guess, is more so that no one else is surprised with my actions. So I think that I'm preparing you all. Get ready for it.
...and the music played on.