"I want to be that girl. The one with many friends, the girl who is both beautiful and down to earth. She is liked by everyone and is still very humble and sweet. Her sense of humor lights up an entire room and everyone naturally gravitates towards her."
I silently thought this to myself not more than a week ago. This feeling has lasted more than a week, of course. This is part of my overall problem. Only a fraction though. I'm taking this one step at time.
I just started to figure out what my problem was. Linda even noticed that I lost "that sparkle" in my eyes, and when she said that to me I had an epiphany. I am "that girl." Somewhere down the line i forgot that and went into a shell and lost that part of me. For the longest time I thought that things didn't happen for me because I wasn't good enough. I'm starting to see now that my life is good and I have had more good things happen to me than bad. Those things that I wanted so badly weren't good enough for me. Somehow destiny knows where I need to be and how I have to get there. I trust that.
Wow what a thought. That something isn't good enough for me and not the other way around. I think it is funny how some people never think they are deserving of anything good when really and truly we all deserve the best that life has to offer us.
I want my sparkle back. I want to love who I am again and inspire others to love themselves. Don't call it conceit when I shower myself with some much needed praise. Hell, I'll even share the love. That's how it should be. We should be each others support systems. I am pledging that I will no longer think of myself as anything less than what I am. No more self hate and put downs. I have been my worse enemy for the past few years and I am really glad that my heroine is making a comeback. It's going to be great to have that girl back.
Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius; and it is better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring- Marilyn Monroe
...and the music played on.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wooden Panels
I'm currently at work in the residential life office and I hate it. I never have anything to do really beside deliver mail and file and pull folders.
So I'm now thinking that I don't want to ever be confined to an office. I'm a business major. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM...
Don't get me wrong, I actually do have a pretty fun major: Music Business. The problem that I have is with the business part of my major. This is also a very hard major. If I stick with music business, I can expect to be broke for the first ten years of my career; because of this, I am law school bound. Yumm Corporate Law. So I should give up the business portion and stick with music, right? WRONG.
In fact, very wrong. This is where I start on my rant about the "real world." Stop reading please, if you have yet to face this sad reality.
If I followed my dream to become an actress, I would probably wind up somewhere in LA or NYC waiting tables at night while during the day going to auditions for independent/student films and "B-list" commercials. I'd live in tiny a matchbox that if you added some paint, could possibly pass for an apartment. I'd barely make enough to pay rent and I'd live off of the food that I'd take home from my employer-the restaurant. Glamorous. Poverty scares me.
My point: I want to do something that I am passionate about and be the best one at it. Shoot for the stars, kiddo.
Being a business major gives me security. I'll have a career when I graduate, not a string of jobs. This is very important. Money is very important. I love when people say that money is not everything, because it is very obvious that it is. Why do you think the country has hit the panic button? Money is for spending. We live in a culture where bigger is better and the more you spend the more we fuel this silly competition. (Wow, i really am a business student.) Money makes the world go around the world go around...(whose passions lie in the theatre).
Back to the original track...
Being in this office drains me. I do nothing when I'm here but I am exhausted when I leave. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. Stuck behind a desk. I really want to be on a stage, a set, in a recording booth...these are not practical. Practical would be to continue with my major, work really hard in school, go to law school and become an awesome corporate lawyer. Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe I will get a big break. Maybe it's just this office's decor.
...and the music played on.
So I'm now thinking that I don't want to ever be confined to an office. I'm a business major. THIS MIGHT BE A PROBLEM...
Don't get me wrong, I actually do have a pretty fun major: Music Business. The problem that I have is with the business part of my major. This is also a very hard major. If I stick with music business, I can expect to be broke for the first ten years of my career; because of this, I am law school bound. Yumm Corporate Law. So I should give up the business portion and stick with music, right? WRONG.
In fact, very wrong. This is where I start on my rant about the "real world." Stop reading please, if you have yet to face this sad reality.
If I followed my dream to become an actress, I would probably wind up somewhere in LA or NYC waiting tables at night while during the day going to auditions for independent/student films and "B-list" commercials. I'd live in tiny a matchbox that if you added some paint, could possibly pass for an apartment. I'd barely make enough to pay rent and I'd live off of the food that I'd take home from my employer-the restaurant. Glamorous. Poverty scares me.
My point: I want to do something that I am passionate about and be the best one at it. Shoot for the stars, kiddo.
Being a business major gives me security. I'll have a career when I graduate, not a string of jobs. This is very important. Money is very important. I love when people say that money is not everything, because it is very obvious that it is. Why do you think the country has hit the panic button? Money is for spending. We live in a culture where bigger is better and the more you spend the more we fuel this silly competition. (Wow, i really am a business student.) Money makes the world go around the world go around...(whose passions lie in the theatre).
Back to the original track...
Being in this office drains me. I do nothing when I'm here but I am exhausted when I leave. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. Stuck behind a desk. I really want to be on a stage, a set, in a recording booth...these are not practical. Practical would be to continue with my major, work really hard in school, go to law school and become an awesome corporate lawyer. Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe I will get a big break. Maybe it's just this office's decor.
...and the music played on.
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