Oh Conformity

I have given in and deiced to start blogging. Please, please hold your applause until the end. K thanks.
There are some reasons for this risky move that I have just made.
One: I'm tired of being "bottled up." I've gotten to point where I'm am like a carbonated drink that has had two Mentos dropped in it, capped and then shaken. I'm going to explode soon if I don't get this crap out!!
Two: I like to read other's people's blogs and to have a blog of my very own is an easier way to get to every one's pages. Yes, I am that lazy...

So, i guess this is the part where I spill my guts. Hmm...
I have recently begun to realize that I put up a front around most people. I'm actually more vulnerable than I let on. I don't know why this wall exist. I don't know why when people ask, "how's life?" I don't answer straightly. I don't let people in. I really don't know why. I guess this is the real reason why this blog now exist. Maybe if I get these words down, my thoughts down, I will understand why I am the way I am in terms of relationships with other people. And maybe you"ll understand too.
...it gets heavy.

I don't have a hard life. I was generally a happy child. I had everything that needed and anything else that I could possibly want. I live with my grandparents-it's been that way since forever. My mother and my step dad both live in Metairie. I don't live with my mother because she simply could not take care of us. She calls every day and is very much a part of my life. I never knew my father. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I would ever want to know him I turned out just fine without him. Despite my nontraditional family situation, I don't think that I ever missed out on anything that "normal" kids got to experience. In ways i know that I'm more fortunate than most. I'm positive that for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter my sisters and I get way more gifts than the average kid. We are a bit spoiled, but never bratty(well, just Nikki). We all went to dancing school for about 7 years, we take the cliche family pilgrimage to the happiest place on earth every time we have a bit of free time. I was actually a very happy kid. This is just some back ground to answer the questions that I know that people have wanted to ask me for a long time but thought it rude to ask.
...the wall begins to crack.

Now, I know that I come across as a person who is happy all the time. In fact, I think that the only thing that I have complained about with sheer hatred has been my job. (Emancipation is coming soon.) But other things do go on inside of me. I have had very brief depression issues. I really don't get why when I'm alone I cry. I have body issues. I have moments when I absolutely hate myself. I don't know why. Why should I be upset with myself? I have friends, awesome friends who I see almost all the time. Then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I cry when no one is looking? Why can't I share this face to face with people who love me? I just don't get it. Maybe some day I will understand myself. It just saddens me that I don't know who I am inside (cue Mulan). Today is obviously not the day for answers. I have given myself and you lots to ponder. College is all about discovery, so somewhere between now and the day I leave this place I should have figured myself out. Today is not that day.
...and the music played on.