I FIGURED IT OUT!!!
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, I have a weakness for musicians, I tend to have awkward idiosyncrasies, and I'm a PEOPLE PLEASER!!!!
Being a people pleaser isn't a bad thing, but it has crippled me from being able to actually let myself live. I like being every one's "go to girl" and i need to be every one's friend. Has anyone else every noticed this about me.
I think that I'm so afraid of getting hurt and having my heart bruised, that I put other people's feelings before my own. I've seen how badly people can hurt others and i don't ever want to experience that, so I strive to keep everyone happy and stay on their good side.
Wow, this is great. I'm at the heart of the problem.
I've always been the type of person that goes with the flow of things. The flow has never been anything that I have started on my own. Someone else always starts it. I need to start it for once. I need to not only feel indifferent about things. I need to stop lying to myself and others by saying that everything things is ok, when clearly it is not.
I won't be rude to you, but I will start saying no. Don't take this personal I just need to stop existing and start LIVING. It's my right. MINE.
Good call Casi, good call!
...and the music played on.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Filler Post
So, it has been a week since my last post and lots has happened since then.
I have been doing some soul searching which is perfect when you feel a bit lost. I don't think that I'm actually losing myself, I don't think that I have ever truly known myself...
That sounds silly. I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, and I have a weakness for musicians. There has to be more than that. What is it that makes me tick? Once again this is silly...
But really?? What is it with me?
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, i have a weakness for musicians, and i tend to have awkward and quirky idiosyncrasies.
This is very true. I'm not "cool" but i do have a good amount of confidence stored up in me. I'm a performer for crying out loud. I just lack some of the social graces that are necessary to not freak people out.
I don't what it is exactly with me. I shall figure it out one day ( soon i hope). I just find it very weird that I have had this personality for 18 years and i still can't figure it out. Nothing has really changed or challenged me in 18 years. It's almost like I haven't been living, but merely existing.
...and the music played on
I have been doing some soul searching which is perfect when you feel a bit lost. I don't think that I'm actually losing myself, I don't think that I have ever truly known myself...
That sounds silly. I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, and I have a weakness for musicians. There has to be more than that. What is it that makes me tick? Once again this is silly...
But really?? What is it with me?
I'm Casi, I like musical theatre, i have a weakness for musicians, and i tend to have awkward and quirky idiosyncrasies.
This is very true. I'm not "cool" but i do have a good amount of confidence stored up in me. I'm a performer for crying out loud. I just lack some of the social graces that are necessary to not freak people out.
I don't what it is exactly with me. I shall figure it out one day ( soon i hope). I just find it very weird that I have had this personality for 18 years and i still can't figure it out. Nothing has really changed or challenged me in 18 years. It's almost like I haven't been living, but merely existing.
...and the music played on
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Oh Conformity
I have given in and deiced to start blogging. Please, please hold your applause until the end. K thanks.
There are some reasons for this risky move that I have just made.
One: I'm tired of being "bottled up." I've gotten to point where I'm am like a carbonated drink that has had two Mentos dropped in it, capped and then shaken. I'm going to explode soon if I don't get this crap out!!
Two: I like to read other's people's blogs and to have a blog of my very own is an easier way to get to every one's pages. Yes, I am that lazy...
So, i guess this is the part where I spill my guts. Hmm...
I have recently begun to realize that I put up a front around most people. I'm actually more vulnerable than I let on. I don't know why this wall exist. I don't know why when people ask, "how's life?" I don't answer straightly. I don't let people in. I really don't know why. I guess this is the real reason why this blog now exist. Maybe if I get these words down, my thoughts down, I will understand why I am the way I am in terms of relationships with other people. And maybe you"ll understand too.
...it gets heavy.
I don't have a hard life. I was generally a happy child. I had everything that needed and anything else that I could possibly want. I live with my grandparents-it's been that way since forever. My mother and my step dad both live in Metairie. I don't live with my mother because she simply could not take care of us. She calls every day and is very much a part of my life. I never knew my father. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I would ever want to know him I turned out just fine without him. Despite my nontraditional family situation, I don't think that I ever missed out on anything that "normal" kids got to experience. In ways i know that I'm more fortunate than most. I'm positive that for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter my sisters and I get way more gifts than the average kid. We are a bit spoiled, but never bratty(well, just Nikki). We all went to dancing school for about 7 years, we take the cliche family pilgrimage to the happiest place on earth every time we have a bit of free time. I was actually a very happy kid. This is just some back ground to answer the questions that I know that people have wanted to ask me for a long time but thought it rude to ask.
...the wall begins to crack.
Now, I know that I come across as a person who is happy all the time. In fact, I think that the only thing that I have complained about with sheer hatred has been my job. (Emancipation is coming soon.) But other things do go on inside of me. I have had very brief depression issues. I really don't get why when I'm alone I cry. I have body issues. I have moments when I absolutely hate myself. I don't know why. Why should I be upset with myself? I have friends, awesome friends who I see almost all the time. Then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I cry when no one is looking? Why can't I share this face to face with people who love me? I just don't get it. Maybe some day I will understand myself. It just saddens me that I don't know who I am inside (cue Mulan). Today is obviously not the day for answers. I have given myself and you lots to ponder. College is all about discovery, so somewhere between now and the day I leave this place I should have figured myself out. Today is not that day.
...and the music played on.
There are some reasons for this risky move that I have just made.
One: I'm tired of being "bottled up." I've gotten to point where I'm am like a carbonated drink that has had two Mentos dropped in it, capped and then shaken. I'm going to explode soon if I don't get this crap out!!
Two: I like to read other's people's blogs and to have a blog of my very own is an easier way to get to every one's pages. Yes, I am that lazy...
So, i guess this is the part where I spill my guts. Hmm...
I have recently begun to realize that I put up a front around most people. I'm actually more vulnerable than I let on. I don't know why this wall exist. I don't know why when people ask, "how's life?" I don't answer straightly. I don't let people in. I really don't know why. I guess this is the real reason why this blog now exist. Maybe if I get these words down, my thoughts down, I will understand why I am the way I am in terms of relationships with other people. And maybe you"ll understand too.
...it gets heavy.
I don't have a hard life. I was generally a happy child. I had everything that needed and anything else that I could possibly want. I live with my grandparents-it's been that way since forever. My mother and my step dad both live in Metairie. I don't live with my mother because she simply could not take care of us. She calls every day and is very much a part of my life. I never knew my father. As a matter of fact, I don't think that I would ever want to know him I turned out just fine without him. Despite my nontraditional family situation, I don't think that I ever missed out on anything that "normal" kids got to experience. In ways i know that I'm more fortunate than most. I'm positive that for birthdays, Christmas, and Easter my sisters and I get way more gifts than the average kid. We are a bit spoiled, but never bratty(well, just Nikki). We all went to dancing school for about 7 years, we take the cliche family pilgrimage to the happiest place on earth every time we have a bit of free time. I was actually a very happy kid. This is just some back ground to answer the questions that I know that people have wanted to ask me for a long time but thought it rude to ask.
...the wall begins to crack.
Now, I know that I come across as a person who is happy all the time. In fact, I think that the only thing that I have complained about with sheer hatred has been my job. (Emancipation is coming soon.) But other things do go on inside of me. I have had very brief depression issues. I really don't get why when I'm alone I cry. I have body issues. I have moments when I absolutely hate myself. I don't know why. Why should I be upset with myself? I have friends, awesome friends who I see almost all the time. Then why do I feel so lonely? Why do I cry when no one is looking? Why can't I share this face to face with people who love me? I just don't get it. Maybe some day I will understand myself. It just saddens me that I don't know who I am inside (cue Mulan). Today is obviously not the day for answers. I have given myself and you lots to ponder. College is all about discovery, so somewhere between now and the day I leave this place I should have figured myself out. Today is not that day.
...and the music played on.
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